by Em Murphy (They/She), UCF Lavender Council Member, Sophomore Art Studio and Game Design Major

Dysphoria

It is Trans Awareness Week and Trans Day of Remembrance, so let’s talk about a very important part of being transgender– experiencing dysphoria. Dysphoria is a complex experience that differs from person to person. Some trans folk don’t even experience it. 

Dysphoria is the distress/discomfort stemming from one’s gender identity not aligning with their biological sex. Dysphoria comes in three different forms, all happening at different times or in different combinations: 

• Cognitive Dysphoria: In which a person’s mind/thoughts are against their gender identity, this is slightly less known, and can involve misgendering oneself or referencing their past self as a separate person
• Social Dysphoria: discomfort occurs when being perceived by others, this can be caused by being misgendered by others, and being titled incorrectly, and is extremely common in nonbinary folk
• Body Dysphoria: This one is the most well known, and has to do with discomfort with the person’s body, which can include a variety of things from height to genitals

I identify as nonbinary, and I use the pronouns They and She, but I prefer They. I’m still exploring the way I express myself and what makes me most comfortable. 

I will tell you now, I’ve had one hell of a year, especially when it comes to looking further into my gender and who I am, or perhaps who I want to be. I may be preaching the idea of loving who you are, but I promise I was plagued with feeling like I wasn’t trans enough to consider myself nonbinary and I over thought it till I felt sick. Until I decided, I needed to just breathe, and let myself have the space to think. Rather, quarantine did. Quarantine has given me, if anything, far too much time to myself to think.

I’m definitely not the ideal stereotype of what a nonbinary person looks like. I’m bigger, very curvy, and it was, and still is, hard to pass as anything but a feminine identity. This is where my experience with dysphoria presented itself. I felt wrong, and a lot of the time I had difficulty perceiving myself or letting myself express my identity in certain ways. It fed into my anxiety, made me feel like I was out of place, and I felt myself drawing in, trying to blend into the background in order to not be perceived.

I honestly didn’t know how I wanted to be perceived as a person, but it wasn’t that. For a while in high school, I tried to reject the feeling that I now recognize as dysphoria, by being hyperfeminine.  When I presented this way, I got the most compliments from family and friends and random strangers, so I thought, this must be the right answer. As time went on, I realized I wasn’t feeling any more comfortable in my body. I wasn’t happy, and I definitely wasn’t enjoying the compliments I was getting. 

Eventually, I cringed away from the use of “she” as a pronoun. I looked at nonbinary people I saw in media and felt like I would never fit what I thought in my head was the blueprint, I wasn’t skinny enough, I didn’t look androgynous enough, the thought of doing anytype of transition scared me. So I thought I would never be perceived the way I wished I would. 

Then as I moved forward, I realized there was no blueprint I needed to be following. There was nothing I had to do to be nonbinary, it was just a matter of saying it. I am nonbinary, no matter how others percieves me. No person, stereotype, or belief defines who you are as a person, in the end that is your decision to make and for others to respect. 

Of course, that doesn’t make me immune to feeling dysphoria when I look in the mirror, or when I’m in a social situation when someone misgenders me. Even with the new confidence I’m trying to exude, sometimes it’s still hard to ignore negative feelings that can come along with it. 

Gender Euphoria 

Let’s talk about an experience I only recently felt for the first time, and it happened so casually that I felt speechless.

Gender Euphoria is almost the opposite of dysphoria, and usually happens when trans folk feel sound in their gender, whether socially, physically, or cognitively. This can be in social situations where their pronouns/names are used correctly or for things that make them feel more comfortable in their gender, like binding or wearing certain clothing. The trans community talks about it often and how experiencing it is different for everyone. For a long time, I thought I would never know what that feels like. 

Then, my wonderful friend (and roommate) Kat existed and gave me one of my first experiences with gender euphoria.

Kat was one of the first people to take my pronouns in stride, when I had honestly accidentally outed the fact I was thinking about changing from using she/her to they/them. I felt myself get nervous and shaky, and it got hard to breathe. I was worried that she was going to be upset or angry, even though I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen her raise her voice. She didn’t react negatively at all, she smiled and asked me if it was okay if she could use my pronouns, and if there was a name I would prefer. 

Later that night, when we were discussing what we had done that day to our other roommates, in a random sentence, Kat used my pronouns. I froze. I completely forgot what I was talking about, my chest swelled with the warmest feeling, and I felt my eyes tear up. 

The moment felt pivotal, there wasn’t any judgement or questioning or hesitation, she gave me the room to say whatever I felt necessary. Writing this now, I’m sure these instances sound small, but that’s the point. This moment, those 10 seconds on a car ride home, and a single sentence meant so much to me. The same thing has happened for so many other people in the trans community. 

It’s not hard to go out of your way to make those in the transgender community more comfortable and supported, and to be an amazing ally! A small list of things to do in everyday life: 

-Say your pronouns at the beginning of conversations

-Be supportive in use of other pronouns

-Make sure to stay educated on trans topics/activists/etc.

-Uplift those who do not have the same privilege as you in any way you can

-Listen to trans voices

Important resources for trans folk and for those who want to know more: 

• Zebra Coalition
• The Center
• GLAAD
• GLESN → https://www.glsen.org/blog/heres-why-non-binary-students-need-allies https://www.glsen.org/activity/gender-triangle-education-guide 
• https://transrespect.org/en/ 

VSC Resources

VSC is a safe place for people of all genders and gender expressions. If someone feels most comfortable seeing an advocate who identifies within the LGBTQ+ community, VSC has an advocate who works exclusively with LGBTQ+ clients. VSC respects the pronouns a client uses and can change pronouns and/or names as requested. Violence against trans and nonbinary people is unfortunately not uncommon, but VSC is ready to help clients who have experienced violence or trauma due to their gender by offering free counseling, advocacy, therapy, and support groups. Call our office to learn more, or if in a criss our 24/7 helpline is always there (407) 500-HEAL.

Earlier this month we sat down with VSC Education Coordinator Emilie Mitchell and two of VSC’s Advocates Kevin Fox and Emily Collins to chat about what this year’s Pride might look like. Now as we close out the month of June join us once again as we reflect on what has happened this month from BLM protests to Supreme Court rulings while talking about the importance of intersectionality and what Pride really means.

You can listen to our Podcast on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twq4kfhOU-g

You can also listen to this episode on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your Podcasts!

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Trigger Warning: In this podcast we will be discussing sensitive topics such as Sexual Assault. It’s important to take care of yourself while listening. Some suggestions are listening while you’re in a healthy head space or knowing who you can reach out to if you become upset. Our 24/7 helpline for crisis calls based out of Central Florida is 407 500 HEAL. By contacting the National Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 you can get support and learn about your local resources. There is always someone ready to help.

I wrote this blog in May a few weeks before the death of George Floyd. Even though I knew pride would be different this year due to the Covid-19 pandemic, I had no idea how different it would really be. After I watched the video of George Floyd’s murder and saw the whole world rise up to fight injustice and racism, our focus for the month shifted for a lot of LGBTQ+ people. I decided not to rewrite what I originally wrote because the purpose of it was to highlight my experience and what we do to affirm LGBTQ+ identities at VSC. However, I want to add something very important: we must also work hard to address and end white supremacy and the impacts centuries of racism have had on the mental health and safety of black communities. Anyone providing services to human beings, especially victims of crime and trauma, must go out of their way break down barriers of systemic racism. Pride was a riot started by black and brown LGBTQ+ women. Black people, including black LGBTQ+ people and especially black trans people, need us. 

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June is my ABSOLUTE favorite time of year. Here in Florida the ocean is warm enough to swim in, the lakes aren’t usually too hot to swim in yet, and the days are long and full of activities. But let’s be real, it’s actually my favorite time of year because June is PRIDE MONTH!!! A month rooted in activism dedicated to honoring the heroes and history that came before us while continuing our fight for equal rights and acceptance with the most fun and colorful celebrations you can imagine. While I’m saddened we won’t be able to gather and give out free hugs this year, I’m thankful we are a community that aims to uplift and protect our members. And don’t you worry, we will still find ways to keep the party alive.

On the real, the most important thing about Pride to me is the opportunity it gives LGBTQ+ individuals to be affirmed. I will never forget my first Pride. It was right after I came out which was a strange, anxiety filled, and confusing time in my life. I was visiting a friend in Boston without even knowing it was Boston Pride. The entire town was covered in Rainbow Flags and we stumbled on this massive parade. I felt safe, accepted, and able to be myself in this sea of people that were also comfortable being themselves. I watched with tears in my eyes and it was amazing.

Queer (yes, we have reclaimed the word queer) people come from all different backgrounds. Some grow up in big cities with loving accepting families, some are kicked out at a young age, and some fall in between. But what I can’t stress enough is that because of the discrimination we face, whether it be from our families, communities, or strangers, we face much higher rates of suicide and trauma. In fact according to The Trevor Project, LGB youth are 5x more likely to attempt suicide compared to heterosexual youth. 5x. According to HRC, 47% of trans people report being sexually assaulted in their lifetime. That means, 1 out of 2. These numbers are incredibly high and break my heart every time I think about them. However, the existence of just one affirming person significantly lowers suicide rates. That means affirming someone’s identity, not just during Pride but all year round, can literally be the difference in life or death.

People come to VSC after experiencing terribly traumatic events. Feeling safe, believed, and affirmed is extremely important in their healing journey. I was recently in a training about working with LGBTQ+ people where the facilitator asked if LGBTQ+ people feel affirmed at our agencies, what we do to ensure that, and how do we know if it’s working? I joked with one of my co-workers that VSC affirms LGBTQ+ identities in so many ways I could write paragraphs and he encouraged me to write this blog, so here we are!

Sure there are some simple ways to affirm people: bathroom signs that just say “Restroom” instead of being gendered, those Rainbow safe place stickers in our windows, the pride flags you’ll find in many of our offices (not just the rainbow ones, but trans pride, pan pride, ace pride, and basically any other flag we could find). If people see something that represents their identity, they’re going to feel safer.

Some things we do may not be as obvious. Upon arriving to our office for the first time you’ll be asked to fill out an info sheet and there are many blank spaces instead of boxes to check. The preferred name you put on that sheet is what we’re going to call you regardless of your legal name, the gender and pronouns you write are the ones we’re going to use for you. Life doesn’t always exist within the binary systems society gives us and we know that. And everything is confidential. What you say here, stays here and that includes disclosing your sexual orientation or gender identity. We’re here to support you, listen to what’s important to you, and help you process. We also offer multiple support groups for individuals interested in attending them as part of their healing journey. It’s important for those groups to represent the identities of our survivors. Our Rainbow Resilience group is specifically for LGBTQ+ Survivors of sexual violence to attend if they so choose.

All of our staff do multiple trainings each year. LGBTQ+ cultural competency training is one our new staff get within months of being hired. Our Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners (SANE) get the trainings as well with much focus to working with trans clients. No matter what background you come from, if you find yourself in the position of needing a rape-kit, we will do our best to make it as comfortable as possible. We get implicit bias training where were encouraged to explore our own bias and discomforts; we even talk about them with our coworkers to check in and make sure we can best serve clients from all backgrounds. I think the most important training we get however is suicide training. You can’t talk about LGBTQ+ sexual trauma without acknowledging that suicidal thoughts, ideation, and attempts are a very real part of it and we don’t want anyone to go through that alone.

And last but certainly not least is my personal favorite way we affirm people. We have a Victim Advocate/Crisis Counselor specifically assigned to work with the LGBTQ+ community. When you call us to make an appointment we’ll ask you some questions, one being do you identify as LGBTQ+. If you answer yes, we’ll ask if you’d like to work with the LGBTQ+ advocate. This position was created to make sure LGBTQ+ voices are always represented and heard not only within VSC but within our whole community, the criminal justice system, and each survivors healing journey. This advocate also works closely with other non-profits, especially Zebra Coalition, attends outreaches, and provides trainings on LGBTQ+ Sexual Assault and workshops on Consent.

How do we know it works? Easy: people come back and they tell us it works. We encourage our survivors to be honest with us because we provide a safe space where they can be and being open is beneficial in the healing journey. They tell us what works and what doesn’t. You’d (unfortunately) be surprised how often people tell us they feel seen and safe for the first time after walking through our doors.

I’m sure at this point you’ve already realized I’m the fortunate LGBTQ+ Advocate as VSC. Hopefully this was able to shed some light on the importance of affirming spaces. Maybe it even helped you realize the ways your agency is affirming or gave you ideas of things to change. Thanks for reading and don’t forget, HAPPY PRIDE Y’ALL!