By Kevin Fox, MA, Victim Advocate/Crisis Counselor; Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern

This past week at Victim Service Center, Alliyah Veilleux, MA, VSC Victim Advocate/Crisis Counselor, and myself held a half-day workshop for current VSC clients focused on surviving the holidays. The workshop was designed to address various stressors and triggers that are quite common around the holiday season. For many, the holidays can be a reminder of past trauma over the holiday season, can lead to events with family members that may be unsupportive or stressful, and for some, it can bring to the surface feelings of loneliness. It was for these, and many other reasons, that we held this surviving the holidays workshop. Our intent was that individuals would foster skills to make this time of year more joyful, while reducing any tension and difficulty this time of year can bring.

Current clients of VSC were invited to attend the free half-day workshop to develop skills for themselves with other clients who may relate to their experiences in a safe and supportive environment. The topics addressed ranged from navigating difficult family members to improving assertiveness skills and boundaries. After hearing feedback from those in attendance, the assertiveness skills were the most helpful and readily applicable topic discussed. If you were unable to attend, I have included some of the skills below to help you cruise through this time, or any time of year. After all, these skills aren’t just for the holiday time, they can come in handy all year-round!

1. Saying “No”

Sounds easy, right? Well if it were, we would do it more often. Saying “no” can be hard for so many individuals because doing it makes us feel guilty. This can be especially true when saying “no” to those we care about, or people in power like our boss or supervisor. When people ask us to go out of our way, we have the right to say “no,” without guilt or explanation. If whatever is asked of us is not in our typical work day, violates our boundaries, or puts us in a stressful situation, saying “no” is well within our personal rights. So remember, it’s okay to say “no.”

2. Broken Record and Fogging

These are two tried and true assertiveness skills. Broken record is exactly what it sounds like – repeating the same phrase in order to make your point or achieve your goal. An example would be saying, “I do not want to have this conversation right now,” or “I cannot come into work today, it is supposed to be my day off,” and repeating that until the other person understands. Fogging is a helpful skill utilized when people approach us aggressively. When people are aggressive, they are expecting a combative or equally aggressive response. Fogging dispels that anger and simply admits truth in what is being said without accepting guilt, blame, or acting in anger, which can fog the person acting aggressively and deescalate the situation. For example, if someone says, “There are so many dishes in the sink and you have been home all afternoon without doing anything to help!” fogging can sound like, “You’re right, there are dishes that need to get done.” It can feel like a Jedi mind trick too, which is fun.

3. Positive Inquiry

Just like saying “no,” this skill also sounds easier said than done (but I guess so does everything). Positive Inquiry is simply being able to accept the compliments and generosity of those around us. If you find yourself a more passive person, you may easily deflect the kindness of others because you may not feel like you deserve the praise. This can lead to lower self-esteem and confidence. If someone tells you, “Wow, I really love your outfit!” instead of deflecting the compliment or pushing it away, practice simply accepting it with a, “Thank you!” When we see ourselves as worthy of accepting the kindness of others, it is easier to be kinder to ourselves.

Hopefully these tips and skills can be added to your own repertoire of coping and self-care skills for this holiday season, and beyond. We at VSC wish you the brightest of holidays, and remember, if you don’t want to go to that holiday party or gathering, you don’t have to! It’s your holiday – do what makes you feel happy and fulfilled.

Resources

If you are every feeling overwhelmed, don’t know where to turn, or are experiencing a flood of emotions you can call VSC’s 24/7/365 crisis helpline at (407) 500-HEAL.

A great article on boundaries for the holidays: https://medium.com/@caitlinfisherauthor/12-ways-to-practice-boundaries-for-the-holidays-96064fbd40cf

Other helplines:

Toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (NSPL) is available 24/7 at 1–800–273–TALK (8255)

The Deaf and Hard of Hearing can contact the Lifeline via TTY at 1–800–799–4889

The Trevor Project (866) 488-7386

The Crisis Text Line is available 24/7. Text “HOME” to 741741

Trans Lifeline 877-565-8860

CLEAR Warm Line 1-800-945-1355.

With holiday gatherings right around the corner, many people may find that their expectations for a good time as well as their anxiety regarding the people, places, and topics that may or may not present themselves can seemingly cripple a person’s ability to enjoy what are supposed to be the merriest times of the year. Holiday gatherings aren’t always what we hope they will be, whether they are work functions, family celebrations, or spontaneous get-togethers with old hometown friends. When dealing with a situation that you feel may trigger your memories of a sexual victimization, it’s important to give yourself permission to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. In some situations this may mean arriving with a prepared excuse in hand for when you are ready to leave, and it may mean declining an invitation altogether. Below are some tips to help you take full advantage of the holiday gatherings you will be invited to attend, while maintaining your boundaries and continuing to take care of yourself first.

1. Prepare for opportunities, for example if there is a family member you rarely see that you would like to speak to, make a plan for when may be a good time to pull the person aside and what you might want to say.
2. Similarly, prepare for deficits. For example, if there is a specific family member who may or may not be there who has been known to act in a way that makes you uncomfortable, prepare multiple tools to take care of yourself.
3. If you are attending a gathering that you are unsure of how you will react to the people or even the place, prepare a specific and simple excuse to use if you become uncomfortable and wish to leave early. Give yourself permission to use it.
4. Set an alarm or two on your phone as a reminder to check in on yourself and take a breather from the festivities. This can be as simple as going to the bathroom. Splash some cold water on your face, or your wrists, or the back of your neck.
5. Ask a close friend to text you at a specific time to check in on you and give you an exit strategy if you need it.
6. Carry a small interesting tactile object like a stone or a penny to use as a grounding object.
7. Carry a travel sized lotion or essential oil of a calming scent such as lavender that you can dab on your wrists to center yourself.
8. If you start to feel overwhelmed at a gathering, go outside for some fresh air.

While the holidays are about giving, they are still a time when it remains of the utmost importance to take care of you. Listen to your mind and your body-you know what you need. All you need to do is to acknowledge your value and give yourself permission to put yourself first.